I’m going to disappoint you.
I’m going to let you down.
I said I wouldn’t.
I assured you I couldn’t.
And yet, sadly, and alas, it’s true:
I’m going to Tweet.
I know. It’s distressing. And for those of you who have made a healthy unliving out of tweeting in my name it’s bad news. It’s bad news too for both of you who like my blog because now I have only 140 words instead of unpacking my mind in paragraphs.
But the reason for my change of heart is simple: I want you to see my Dick.
Not Exhibitionism so much as Commerce.
So here it is folks. https://twitter.com/ericidle
The Powers that be insist that if I only start tweeting, people will be driven into a feeding frenzy and download awesome amounts of What About Dick?
Of course this may be a total lie, and they just want me to go out there pimping my ass so they can feel better, but I cannot prove this, and as I very much want you to see my Dick I have no leg to stand on.
Actually I just stood on the dog’s leg, but that was an accident.
Ouch. She bit me. Bloody dogs. Can’t take a joke.
Anyway we have finished editing the HD movie of those four mad nights of What About Dick? and it has been greeted with gales of laughter from both my friends and now it is time to make its way into the world and face the whistle test: will you like it, will you buy it? Particularly so as we are venturing into the brave new world of direct download. Our product will be Executive-free, my Dick will be untouched by any foreign hands, it will be downloaded directly to you anywhere in the world directly from our website http://www.whataboutdick.com/
And to get that message out, apparently I must begin tweeting right away.
As I am unfamiliar with this mode of creation I intend to tweet many of my friends who are already light years ahead to get their advice on how to master this new form. I have much to learn and many questions to ask.
Here are a few:
Is it necessary to wear a condom while tweeting?
I have heard the internet is unsafe, and I don’t want my computer to catch anything. I intend to ask Stephen Fry this, as he has been tweeting since the early nineteenth century. (https://twitter.com/stephenfry)
Do I have to be funny?
This is clearly a question for Garry Shandling, although he rarely fails to be funny about everything. (https://twitter.com/GarryShandling)
What shall I wear when Tweeting? Loose shorts? A kilt perhaps?
Obviously a question for Billy Connolly. If anyone knows more about kilt-free tweeting I will be very surprised. (https://twitter.com/Billy_Connolly)
Should I wear eye make-up when tweeting?
This is tailor-made for Eddie Izzard (https://twitter.com/eddieizzard).
Can I tweet while drunk?
I shall ask Sir Patrick Stewart this since he promised he would not tweet while drinking. (https://twitter.com/SirPatStew/status/244586042278178817).
Is it rude to tweet during sex?
This is a question for Russell Brand (https://twitter.com/rustyrockets). No one will know more about the etiquette of tweeting and greeting. For instance it may be ok to tweet during foreplay.
Do I have to publish a Book of my tweets?
This question is obviously for Steve Martin ), who has already done just that. He is probably already Hosting The Tweet of The Year Awards (The Twitties?) (https://twitter.com/SteveMartinToGo
Can you tweet while playing banjo?
Obviously this is a twick question. I am going to send it to Kevin Nealon (https://twitter.com/kevin_nealon), but Steve Martin and Billy Connolly are both excellent banjo artistes. In fact it may be necessary to learn banjo in order to get the speed into the fingers required for hammering out a fast tweet.
Is the tweet the sonnet form of today?
Not as random a question as it looks. A Shakespearian sonnet has ten feet per line, times fourteen lines, so metrically a tweet is a sonnet. I’m going to ask Salman Rushdie this, as he knows everything, and I am halfway through his brilliant must-read memoir Joseph Anton. (https://twitter.com/SalmanRushdie)
What exactly is the size of the Universe again?
Obviously a simple question for Professor Brian Cox (https://twitter.com/ProfBrianCox). Of course you are impressed I even know Brian Cox, let alone have dinner with him, but I met him when he came to the filming of Dick and I have subsequently worked with him on a new version of The Galaxy Song, for his upcoming series The Wonders of Life, about which I shall surely blog shortly.
OK so now I’m ready to begin my first day tweeting. Wish me luck. Oh, and if you feel like it, that bit I wrote for The New Yorker is out today.
Follow Eric’s brave new world at https://twitter.com/ericidle