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Lines on missing a God daughter’s birthday

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By , January 21, 2018 12:48 pm

We went and missed your birthday once again

We’ve consistently forgotten it since the age of ten

Each year we say we won’t forget to Happy Birthday you

And then the day comes round and then of course we do.

It’s mad it’s bad it’s bloody sad and definitely wrong

And we’re hoping you’ll forgive us

If we send you this daft song.

 

The Apple Mac reminded us it was your birthday slot

Coming up the day before

But sadly we forgot.

We both of us remembered watching TV late last night

And said thank God it’s not too late for both of us to write

But as we headed for our beds

The thought completely left our heads

It’s really not polite.

 

So we’re once again apologizing that we’re overdue

In saying Happy Birthday Vic, Happy Birthday dear to you

It’s not much of a present but I suppose it could be worse

All we’re sending you this year

Is this stupid fucking verse.

I feel that I’m particularly a really silly sod

What kind of a Godfather does not believe in God?

But there you are you’re stuck with us

You’re stuck with what you’ve got,

Blame it on your parents or anyone, why not?

We wish you happiness and joy in sunshine and in rain

Until next year when to be sure we will forget again!

Eric Idle

January 21, 2018

FCC Again

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By , December 15, 2017 9:40 am

Fuck you very much the FCC

For kindly ending net neutrality

The Country’s in the toilet

Now that Putin took a dump

All over your democracy

And left you all with Trump

So a bunch of greedy bastards

Can steal everything they see

Fuck you very much the FCC.

Fuck Selfies

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By , February 9, 2017 12:07 pm

C E7
Here’s a little song
F #
It won’t take very long
C A7
It’s about the world today
D7 G7
Something I badly need to say…

C
Fuck Selfies
G7
And all those stupid gits
C
Who take selfies,
G7
They just get on my tits
C E7
Fuck grinning like a lunatic
Am
With people you don’t know
D7 G7
It takes them half an hour to get their fucking phones to go
F F# C A7
And then another fourteen other fucking people show…

C. Am
So tell those selfish selfie pricks
F G7
Next time they bloody ask
C. Am
To take their fucking selfie sticks
Dm7 G7 C
And shove ‘em up their ass.

c) words and music Eric Idle.
Rutsongs
13th October 2016

Australian Wine Sketch

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By , January 26, 2017 11:08 am

A lot of people in this country pooh-pooh Australian table wines.
This is a pity, as many fine Australian wines appeal not only to the
Australian palate, but also to the cognoscenti of Great Britain.

Blacktown Bordeaux is rightly praised as a peppermint-flavored burgundy,
whilst a good Sydney Syrup can rank with any of the world’s best sugary
wines.
Chateau Bleu too has won many prizes, not least for its taste
and its lingering after burn.
Old Smokey 1968 has been compared favorably to a Welsh Claret, whilst the Australian Wino Society
thoroughly recommends a 1978 Cote du Rod Laver, which believe me, has a
kick on it like a mule. Eight bottles of this and you’re really finished.
At the opening of the Sydney Harbor Bridge Club, they were fishing them out of the
main sewers every half an hour.

Of the sparkling wines, the most famous is Perth Pink.
This is a bottle with a message in and the message is “Beware.”
This is not a wine for drinking. This is a wine for laying down and avoiding.
Another good fighting wine is Melbourne Old and Yellow, which is particularly heavy and
should be used only for hand-to-hand combat.
Quite the reverse is true of Chateau Chunder, which is an Appellation Controlee specially grown for
those keen on regurgitation.
A fine wine which really opens up the sluices at both ends.

Emetic fans will also go for a Hobart Muddy, and a prize-winning Cuvee Reserve
Chateau Nuit St. Wogga Wogga, which has a bouquet like a fast bowler’s
armpit.*

*This joke has been changed to recognize the amazing fact that while batting and facing the terrifying fast bowling of Thomo and Lillee in the 80’s David Gower would recite this sketch to himself!