The Final Crusade
In 1997 I came up with an idea for a Python movie. I went to visit John in Santa Barbara and he seemed genuinely ok with the idea of doing another Python movie, and everyone seemed interested, enough to suggest we get together, but by the time we all assembled at a hotel in Buckinghamshire to discuss it he had changed his mind. This is the rough outline I sent around.
The Final Crusade
This time it’s for the money….
Arthur is long since dead and the fellowship of the Round Table has broken up. The Knights have parted, returned to different lands where they have forgotten their Holy Quest and abandoned their mission for a life of luxury and idleness.
One day a Saracen (Salman Rushdie) returns from the Holy Land with disquieting news: the Infidel is on the move. He has captured the Holy City. Jerusalem has fallen. Civilization is threatened. In shame the Knight seeks counsel of a Holy Man who tells him to round up as many goodly knights as he may and proceed to the Holy Land.
The Great Crusade.
Where are the Knights now? One is in a far country. One is on a journey. One is on location fighting the French. One is too old. One is dead.
Can they restart the fellowship for the last time in their lives? Can they leave home comforts, wives and children and journey to save the Holy Land?
Part One. The Gathering of the Knights
Sir Barry
“He’s out of his fucking head. He expects me to get up, leave Veronica, put on heavy metal, risk dying of plague and walk 2,000 miles on horseback in order to fight the strongest knights in the known world.”
“Yes.”
“Why on earth would anyone want to do that?”
“He says they could offer you a knighthood.”
“I’ve got a bloody knighthood.”
“Barry.”
“Ah hello dear. I’m almost done with the Herald. He’s just leaving. Tell him no bloody thank you.”
“Barry, is it all right if mother comes to stay?”
“Mother?”
“My mother. She wants to come and stay for a couple of years.”
“Here in the Castle?”
“Yes.”
“With us?”
“Yes.”
“I see. Wait Herald, don’t leave yet. Look Darling, that’s fine, the thing is though, I may have to go somewhere for a bit…. Just a couple of years.”
Sir Lionel
“Are there any women on the voyage?”
“No more than the usual collection of cooks, sluts, nurses, harlots, washerwomen, masseuses, helpers, friends, ho’s, child-minders, comforters and nuns.”
“I see. How many so far?”
“About 5,000 in all. Young, fit, healthy females.”
“You know perhaps I could just come for a little while.”
Sir Thomas
“I’m sorry. This is my family time. I want to be with my family. I’ve been out a lot and they need me here. Obviously it’s a great opportunity but I’m very sorry I’m trying to uncomplicate my life right now. I might be available in a few years. I’m not saying no mind you. I’m just saying ‘maybe in a few years.’ Who’s sponsoring it?”
“Who’s sponsoring it?”
“Yes. Who’s paying for the whole thing.”
“Well the Church.”
“The Church? Very wealthy, the Church.”
“Oh immensely wealthy. And they’ll pay very well indeed for those who’re in at the beginning.”
“How much exactly are they prepared to pay?…..”
The Church
“Enormously costly these things you know. Apart from persuading the knights, there’s the whole cost of paying for the boats, the food, the weaponry, the horses…”
“We would of course invite contributions from wherever we went, in return…”
“In return for a share of the profits. Of course. Clever.”
“Then there’s the taxes.”
“Of course the taxes.”
“And the ransoms.”
“And the tribute extracted from countries you go through in order to persuade you to keep going and not just stay there and…well loot a little.”
“Very valuable.. contributions.”
“Immensely valuable.”
“So let me get this straight. In return for the profits you want us to take the Saracens out of the land promised by God to the Jews and replace them with Christians.”
“Yes.”
“Well it’s against my religion but business is business.”
The Deal is Struck.
“So that’s 10% for you. 10% for Sir Geoffrey of Strachan and 10% for Sir Roger de Coverly.”
“Yes.”
“That’s a total of two thousand, two hundred and sixty nine per cent.”
“Agreed.”
“Agreed.”
“Right we’re on then.”
The Recruiting Promise
“We can promise you nothing.”
“Nothing.”
“Except bloodshed.”
“Oh bloodshed.”
“A chance to murder people of a different race.”
“Murder foreigners.”
“With the blessing of the Holy Church. And the assurance that when you die in battle you will enter Paradise.”
“What is Paradise exactly?”
“It is a land flowing with milk and honey, where all is delightful, where there is no more bloodshed and where all are peaceful and friendly to one another.”
“Oh, right. Good idea. Let us fight to the death so that there may be no more bloodshed and killing.”
“Sign here please.”
The Farewells
“Mother there is to be a Crusade.”
“What’s a Crusade?”
“A great moral adventure that seeks to purify all who will enlist to purge the Holy Land of the Infidel.”
“You’re not going!”
“Mother I’m fifty-three years old.”
“Your father wouldn’t approve.”
“What?”
“You wouldn’t catch him sloping off to the Holy Land.”
“Well obviously not. He’s been dead for 32 years.”
“He may be dead but he’s still your father.”
“I’m sorry but I have to go.”
“How could you leave a poor widow?”
“Mum you’re very wealthy. You have this castle…”
“The Hendersons have two castles. One for the summer in France.”
“I’ll only take Jimmy the Page, my faithful idiot friend.”
“Who’ll keep the pigs warm at night?”
“You’ll soon find another idiot mum.”
“Oh all right, off you go then. Walk two thousand miles wearing metal. See if I care.”
They Set Off
A glorious sight.
“Impressive isn’t it.”
“It’s only stock footage.”
The map
A mighty Army underway. A journey through France. An encounter with the Italians.
The Venetians
“Signori, welcome to Venice.”
“Where are the bloody streets? It’s all underwater.”
“Si Signori. May we talk, we have a little deal to propose? We will give you money if you take Constantinople.”
“Constantinople? But that’s a Christian City.”
“Technically, yes.”
“Why would we do that?”
“Lots of money.”
“But a Christian City….”
“And then we would build you boats, and give you food, supplies, money, women…”
“All we have to do is capture Constantinople?”
“It’s practically on your way.”
“And you’ll fund the whole thing? “
“Cross my heart hope to die.”
“It does seem like a very good deal. What could go wrong?”
“These English are complete idiots.”
Later
Sir John Goldstone reports disquieting news.
“I’m afraid the Venetians are not going to pay.”
“But they promised to pay us profits.”
“It’s an accounting thing. Apparently we’re not yet in profit.”
“What do you mean Not yet in profit?”
“It’s something to do with the interest on the original loan. Apparently it’s normal.”
“When will we be in profit?”
“In another 208 years sir.”
“And that’s a guarantee?”
The Media Tent
The media stir up discontent
The Press Conference.
“Sir Alan, people are criticizing your leadership.”
“What do you say to criticism that you are a useless, untalented turd, with no skill, no brains, and no business being in the Crusade?”
“Who said that?”
“I did.”
“He refused to be drawn into allegations that the whole thing was a complete waste of time.”
“I mean it is we who inform the public what they think.”
“I didn’t think much of his last Crusade.”
“We the media demand 24 hour access, a daily briefing, and two more press carts.”
“This is the worst bloody Crusade I’ve ever been on.”
“I was on one once where we had to eat the horses.”
“We ate donkeys.”
“We had to eat the women and children.”
God Appears
“Look stop fucking bitching and pissing around. You have a simple goal. Kick the infidels out of the Holy Land and then fuck off home.”
“Are you sure that’s God?”
c) E. Idle
