\u201cGod\u2019s here again Dr. Tannenbaum.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh dear. Show him in Miss Partridge.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe set fire to the chair again.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThank God we have insurance\u2026 Ah hello Jeho\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t use my name.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSorry. So what have you been doing for the last week?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell I created a heaven and an earth\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course you did. In seven days.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSix. On the seventh\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou rested, of course. So what seems to be the problem?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNobody believes in me anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCome now that\u2019s not true\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI remember when I was the most popular thing on the planet. People feared me then, they really feared me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell you moved in a mysterious way.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh that was just an accident, I sprained my ankle creating a giraffe, they\u2019re tricky things.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou asked your followers to kill their children.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOnly Abraham. And that was just a gag.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell you were pretty scary with all that Hell thing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes that was good wasn\u2019t it. They really feared that. Eternal damnation, what a concept.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo what went wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cScience. I told them to burn that Galileo, but the Inquisition was useless.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut now surely we have science we see Galileo was right.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat\u2019s right got to do with it? I\u2019m God. I made it all happen.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe night before the 23rd October 4004 B.C.?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes. It was a Tuesday I remember it well. I thought I\u2019ll just pop out and let there be a bit of light, and then I started to tinker around and in a week I\u2019d created all the heaven and the earth and all the living creatures therein and the waters and the trees and the animals, and then I created Adam and Eve. And then I rested.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s not strictly true is it?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes it is. It\u2019s in the Bible.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLook Jeho\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t use my name.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEvery schoolboy knows that 13.6 billion years ago the entire Universe exploded out of a microscopic atomic singularity which contained all the matter and enough energy for the whole expanding Universe.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd they say my version is hard to believe!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHave you been taking the Prozac?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo I couldn\u2019t find any water. My Son keeps changing it into wine.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow is He?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell He\u2019s half the problem, with all that peace and love bull. Christians want guns, semi-automatic weapons. Fear is what they love. But no, my Son has to be some kind of hippie appealing to a new generation. Forgiveness? I never forgive. Turn the other cheek? Crazy. Sin? I invented it. Why would I forgive it? It made the Church a fortune.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHave you ever thought of PR?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s what the Pope does.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSadly the Pope needs his own PR, they\u2019re up to their hassocks in law suits. Have you ever considered a Make Over?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cChange the costume, find a decent PR firm, go on Oprah, cry a little, maybe shave, dye the grey hair, you look like you just wandered in out of the Desert. And ditch the sheet. Go to Gap and get some Daks and lose the sandals, they are so not today.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not going on Oprah.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell Doctor Phil, he\u2019s right up your alley.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve got plans for him.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAlright then Kimmel, show the lighter side of yourself. Ferguson\u2019s great with guests.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow about Letterman?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot right now, wrong for your image. Dave is too revered. You\u2019ll come off looking second best.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut I started the Top Ten List.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course you did and the Ten Commandments are still really good, but they need updating. No one covets ox and sheep anymore. Maybe a new Aston Martin\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLeno?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAlmost certainly won\u2019t have you, unless you have a Sitcom on NBC.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFox?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThey have an exclusive contract with the Devil.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow about E?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cChelsea won\u2019t take you. She thinks you\u2019re against women.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI am. I don\u2019t know why I created them, they\u2019ve been nothing but trouble.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow about a few Website appearances, maybe Nerdist and Reddit, do a Podcast, you should have a Twitter account, certainly Facebook, and they may be able to get you on the Simpsons.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLook I\u2019m God, I don\u2019t want to be on a stupid cartoon show. Doesn\u2019t anybody Fear Me anymore? I get no respect.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t use that phrase, it\u2019s a Rodney Dangerfield line.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA philosopher?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA comedian.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat was my big mistake, permitting comedy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry Time\u2019s up.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI created Time.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJust take the Prozac and I\u2019ll see you next week. And do you mind not setting fire to the furniture on the way out?\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
\u201cGod\u2019s here again Dr. Tannenbaum.\u201d \u201cOh dear. Show him in Miss Partridge.\u201d \u201cHe set fire to the chair again.\u201d \u201cThank God we have insurance\u2026 Ah hello Jeho\u2026\u201d \u201cDon\u2019t use my name.\u201d \u201cSorry. So what have you been doing for the last week?\u201d \u201cWell I created a heaven and an earth\u2026\u201d \u201cOf course you did. In […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-302","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ericidle.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/302","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ericidle.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ericidle.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ericidle.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ericidle.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=302"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.ericidle.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/302\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":305,"href":"https:\/\/www.ericidle.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/302\/revisions\/305"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ericidle.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=302"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ericidle.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=302"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ericidle.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=302"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}