In 1997 I came up with an idea for a Python movie.\u00a0 I went to visit John\u00a0in Santa Barbara and he seemed genuinely ok with the idea of doing another Python movie, and everyone seemed interested, enough to suggest we get together, but by the time we all assembled at a hotel in Buckinghamshire to discuss it he had changed his mind.\u00a0\u00a0 This is the rough outline I sent around.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Arthur is long since dead and the fellowship of the Round Table has broken up.\u00a0 The Knights have parted, returned to different lands where they have forgotten their Holy Quest and abandoned their mission for a life of luxury and idleness.<\/p>\n
One day a Saracen (Salman Rushdie) returns from the Holy Land with disquieting news:\u00a0 the Infidel is on the move.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 He has captured the Holy City.\u00a0 Jerusalem has fallen.\u00a0 Civilization is threatened. In shame the Knight seeks counsel of a Holy Man who tells him to round up as many goodly knights as he may and proceed to the Holy Land.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Where are the Knights now?\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 One is in a far country.\u00a0 One is on a journey.\u00a0 One is on location fighting the French.\u00a0\u00a0 One is too old.\u00a0\u00a0 One is dead.<\/p>\n
Can they restart the fellowship for the last time in their lives?\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Can they leave home comforts, wives and children and journey to save the Holy Land?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s out of his fucking head.\u00a0 He expects me to get up, leave Veronica, put on heavy metal, risk dying of plague and walk 2,000 miles on horseback in order to fight the strongest knights in the known world.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy on earth would anyone want to do that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe says they could offer you a knighthood.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve got a bloody knighthood.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBarry.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAh hello dear. I\u2019m almost done with the Herald.\u00a0 He\u2019s just leaving.\u00a0\u00a0 Tell him no bloody thank \u00a0you.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n
\u201cBarry, is it all right if mother comes to stay?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMother?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMy mother.\u00a0 She wants to come and stay for a couple of years.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHere in the Castle?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWith us?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI see.\u00a0 Wait Herald, don\u2019t leave yet.\u00a0\u00a0 Look Darling, that\u2019s fine, the thing is though, I may have to go somewhere for a bit\u2026. Just a couple of years.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cAre there any women on the voyage?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo more than the usual collection of cooks, sluts, nurses, harlots, washerwomen, masseuses, helpers, friends, ho\u2019s, child-minders, comforters and nuns.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI see.\u00a0 How many so far?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAbout 5,000 in all.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Young, fit, healthy females.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know perhaps I could just come for a little while.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u00a0 This is my family time.\u00a0 I want to be with my family.\u00a0 I\u2019ve been out a lot and they need me here.\u00a0\u00a0 Obviously it\u2019s a great opportunity but\u00a0 I\u2019m very sorry I\u2019m trying to uncomplicate my life right now. I might be available in a few years.\u00a0\u00a0 I\u2019m not saying no mind you.\u00a0 I\u2019m just saying \u2018maybe in a few years.\u2019\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Who\u2019s sponsoring it?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWho\u2019s sponsoring it?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u00a0 Who\u2019s paying for the whole thing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell the Church.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe Church?\u00a0\u00a0 Very wealthy, the Church.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh immensely wealthy. And they\u2019ll pay very well indeed for those who\u2019re in at the beginning.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow much exactly are they prepared to pay?\u2026..\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEnormously costly these things you know.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Apart from persuading the knights, there\u2019s the whole cost of paying for the boats, the food, the weaponry, the horses\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe would of course invite contributions from wherever we went, in return\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIn return for a share of the profits.\u00a0 Of course.\u00a0\u00a0 Clever.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen there\u2019s the taxes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course the taxes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd the ransoms.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd the tribute extracted from countries you go through in order to persuade you to keep going and not just stay there and\u2026well loot a little.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cVery valuable.. contributions.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cImmensely valuable.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo let me get this straight.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 In return for the profits you want us to take the Saracens out of the land promised by God to the Jews and replace them with Christians.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell it\u2019s against my religion but business is business.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo that\u2019s 10% for you.\u00a0 10% for Sir Geoffrey of Strachan and 10% for Sir Roger de Coverly.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s a total of two thousand, two hundred and sixty nine per cent.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAgreed.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAgreed.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRight we\u2019re on then.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe can promise you nothing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNothing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cExcept bloodshed.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh bloodshed.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA chance to murder people of a different race.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMurder foreigners.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWith the blessing of the Holy Church.\u00a0 And the assurance that when you die in battle you will enter Paradise.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat is Paradise exactly?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt is a land flowing with milk and honey, where all is delightful, where there is no more bloodshed and where all are peaceful and friendly to one another.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, right.\u00a0 Good idea.\u00a0 Let us fight to the death so that there may be no more bloodshed and killing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSign here please.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cMother there is to be a Crusade.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat\u2019s a Crusade?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA great moral adventure that seeks to purify all who will enlist to purge the Holy Land of the Infidel.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re not going!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMother I\u2019m fifty-three years old.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYour father wouldn\u2019t approve.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou wouldn\u2019t catch him sloping off to the Holy Land.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell obviously not.\u00a0 He\u2019s been dead for 32 years.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe may be dead but he\u2019s still your father.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry but I have to go.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow could you leave a poor widow?\u201d
\n\u201cMum you\u2019re very wealthy.\u00a0 You have this castle\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe Hendersons have two<\/i> castles.\u00a0 One for the summer in France.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll only take Jimmy the Page, my faithful idiot friend.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWho\u2019ll keep the pigs warm at night?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019ll soon find another idiot mum.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh all right, off you go then. Walk two thousand miles wearing metal. See if I care.\u201d<\/p>\n
A glorious sight.<\/p>\n
\u201cImpressive isn\u2019t it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s only stock footage.\u201d<\/p>\n
A mighty Army underway.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 A journey through France.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 An encounter with the Italians.<\/p>\n
\u201cSignori, welcome to Venice.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere are the bloody streets?\u00a0\u00a0 It\u2019s all underwater.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSi Signori.\u00a0 May we talk, we have a little deal to propose?\u00a0 We will give you \u00a0money if you take Constantinople.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cConstantinople?\u00a0 But that\u2019s a Christian City.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTechnically, yes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy would we do that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLots of money.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut a Christian City\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd then we would build you boats, and give you food, supplies, money, women\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAll we have to do is capture Constantinople?\u201d
\n\u201cIt\u2019s practically on your way.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd you\u2019ll fund the whole thing? \u201c<\/p>\n
\u201cCross my heart hope to die.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt does seem like a very good deal.\u00a0\u00a0 What could go wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cThese English are complete idiots.\u201d<\/p>\n
Sir John Goldstone reports disquieting news.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m afraid the Venetians are not going to pay.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut they promised to pay us profits.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s an accounting thing.\u00a0 Apparently we\u2019re not yet in profit.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you mean Not yet in profit<\/i>?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s something to do with the interest on the original loan.\u00a0\u00a0 Apparently it\u2019s normal.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen will we be in profit?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIn another 208 years sir.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd that\u2019s a guarantee?\u201d<\/p>\n
The media stir up discontent<\/i><\/p>\n
The Press Conference.<\/p>\n
\u201cSir Alan, people are criticizing your leadership.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you say to criticism that you are a useless, untalented turd, with no skill, no brains, and no business being in the Crusade?\u201d
\n\u201cWho said that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI did.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cHe refused to be drawn into allegations that the whole thing was a complete waste of time.\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cI mean it is we who inform the public what they think.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI didn\u2019t think much of his last Crusade.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe the media demand 24 hour access, a daily briefing, and two more press carts.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThis is the worst bloody Crusade I\u2019ve ever been on.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI was on one once where we had to eat the horses.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe ate donkeys.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe had to eat the women and children.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLook stop fucking bitching and pissing around.\u00a0\u00a0 You have a simple goal.\u00a0 Kick the infidels out of the Holy Land and then fuck off home.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you sure<\/i> that\u2019s God?\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
c) E. Idle<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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