{"id":568,"date":"2016-02-10T13:47:16","date_gmt":"2016-02-10T21:47:16","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ericidle.com\/blog\/?p=568"},"modified":"2016-02-10T13:47:16","modified_gmt":"2016-02-10T21:47:16","slug":"the-needy-bastard-diary-3","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ericidle.com\/blog\/the-needy-bastard-diary-3\/","title":{"rendered":"The Needy Bastard Diary"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Chapter Three:\u00a0\u00a0 <\/em>False Alarm<\/em><\/h2>\n

Excellent news. I no longer have a snapped tendon.\u00a0 It has healed.\u00a0 Being flat out in bed for fifteen days with the flu seems to have it sorted.\u00a0 Jeff, my physio, a man of enormous pessimism, looks puzzled at my ankle.\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cThere\u2019s nothing wrong with you at all. The reason you are limping so badly is that stupid surgical boot, now take it off and walk.\u201d<\/p>\n

Not since Jesus so swiftly Lazarated the healing process has there been such a quick turnaround. Shortly we were both walking down the road and he was shaking his head about Doctors.\u00a0 I know what he means.\u00a0 LA consists of two large black holes called Cedars Cyanide and UCLA and slowly people are sucked inside the Dr. Schwarzschild radius, rarely to emerge with a full complement of organs.<\/p>\n

Graham always warned us to beware of Doctors. \u201cThey\u2019re just ex Medical students\u201d he said.\u00a0 And he should know;\u00a0 he was a fully qualified alcoholic.<\/p>\n

So the boot isn\u2019t on the other foot.\u00a0\u00a0 It\u2019s in a corner of my closet where I flung it. A thousand dollars of health care down the drain.<\/p>\n

In order to make up for my return to health my Doctor ordered a series of tests. I was scheduled for a morning of prodding, bleeding, and peeing, plus a date with the machine that goes ping.\u00a0\u00a0 Actually the MRI makes a far louder noise than a ping.\u00a0 It\u2019s more like a lion\u2019s roar.<\/p>\n

So I had a heart scan: check, there is one.<\/p>\n

A lung scan: \u201cAnd there\u2019s the pneumonia\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe what? I thought it was flu.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat too.\u201d<\/p>\n

And an ultra sound. (I\u2019m not pregnant.)<\/p>\n

So physically I\u2019m ready to face the Australian bowling. And literally too, because as a happy result of some Twitter misunderstandings the great Thommo is coming to see us on the road downunda.\u00a0 And he still scares me.\u00a0 John too is looking forward to meeting him.\u00a0 We are both cricket nuts.<\/p>\n

Major Cleese seems in good form, and after spending six weeks on a beach in Mustique with his aquatic wife he ought to be. He says he likes his new rank, so Major Cleese it is.\u00a0 I\u2019m not sure where that leaves me.\u00a0 Lance-Corporal?\u00a0 Squadron Leader?\u00a0 I used to be Sergeant Idle in the school CCF, but they hated me because I went on the Aldermaston March.<\/p>\n

\u201cThen you shouldn\u2019t be in the CCF\u201d said the School Padre, shocked to learn I\u2019d been on a Pacifist rally.<\/p>\n

\u201cThen I\u2019ll leave\u201d I said<\/p>\n

\u201cYou can\u2019t, it\u2019s compulsory.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My Dad was Sergeant Idle too. In the RAF.\u00a0 But I think I like something a little more romantic.\u00a0 Group Captain Idle?\u00a0 Now, that has a ring to it.<\/p>\n

Mentally I\u2019m ready and looking forward to the show. It\u2019s a nice change from writing.\u00a0 My shrink has cleared me for duty. Two of the Pythons have had shrinkage and four haven\u2019t.\u00a0\u00a0 Luckily I\u2019m on the road with the other one who did.\u00a0 I think it helps, and I\u2019ve had about twenty years of it now. Of course I live in California where it is compulsory, but if you don\u2019t look under the hood now and again how can you possibly see what\u2019s driving you?<\/p>\n

The unexamined life is a dangerous thing.<\/p>\n

The British, who are mentally and dentally retarded, look on all forms of analysis with fear and loathing, though no nation needs it more. Especially some of their newspapers, which do seem to be utterly bonkers.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s the weather of course. And I love and adore the English. Well not all of them. I hate the smugly sentimental Upstairs Downside world of the Upper classes and their nostalgia for country estates and servants. You know those television series about fat faced, smug, fucking upper class twits where happy and kindly aristocrats, are lovingly and gratifyingly served by contented, sexually available domestic servants.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt’s an honour to work for you sir. Really there\u2019s no need to pay us. I would do this for nothing. Oh would you like to fuck me sir, I know how an upper class gentleman gets when he\u2019s had four bottles of claret. Or would you rather fuck my daughter? She\u2019ll take it sir, and be grateful for the spare change in your pocket, but please only in the ass, she\u2019s working class and we can\u2019t afford no children\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

It\u2019s crap. It\u2019s condescending and inaccurate and panders to the worst kind of Americans who see the British as some kind of Butler owning democracy. It\u2019s as if the Yanks did a series about the Antebellum South where contented slaves sing happily about their kindly owners.<\/p>\n

\u201cO we is happy pickin cotton all de live long day\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Alright. Rant over. I\u2019m a lower class Northern oik and proud of it lad.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u00a0 Chapter Three:\u00a0\u00a0 False Alarm Excellent news. I no longer have a snapped tendon.\u00a0 It has healed.\u00a0 Being flat out in bed for fifteen days with the flu seems to have it sorted.\u00a0 Jeff, my physio, a man of enormous pessimism, looks puzzled at my ankle.\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cThere\u2019s nothing wrong with you at all. The reason […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-568","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ericidle.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/568","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ericidle.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ericidle.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ericidle.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ericidle.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=568"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.ericidle.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/568\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":570,"href":"https:\/\/www.ericidle.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/568\/revisions\/570"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ericidle.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=568"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ericidle.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=568"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ericidle.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=568"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}